To feel list
It’s January, nirvana for list makers everywhere. If you’re a Type 3, like me, or another task-oriented type, you probably get a lot of joy from mapping out your year, tweaking your daily schedule, and getting “back on track” after a holiday season of consumption, indulgence, and relaxation. A To Do List channels my motivation, promotes efficiency, and gives me a sense of accomplishment. And it ensures that I don’t forgot the most important things.
Or not.
Because whether items on my list are related to health, work, hobbies, or something else, they all have one thing in common: they are things to do. A fact that is no less crucial because it’s so obvious.
The very presence of a To Do List shapes our existence by putting emphasis and value on external action and future-focused goals rather than internal experience and presence.
I have come to recognize that the most important things in my life actually have more to do with being than doing. But still.
You can have my to-do list when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.
If you’re a doer, you probably feel the same. And you should. Because unfolding isn’t about fundamentally changing who we or what we naturally excel at. And I have been rocking To Do’s since I was old enough to write them down.
So don’t throw out your list.
Instead, hack that super-developed ability you have to cross things off in vertical fashion.
Channel your devotion to concrete goals by reorienting those goals toward your inner experience and personal connections.
You might think I’m talking about adding things like meditation, nature walks, journaling, and dates with your partner to your To Do List. I’m not. I mean, yes, sure, try to do those things more—they’re wonderful, helpful practices and adding them to your list may well get your started down the path to Being. But you might also become discouraged at how hard it is for you—disciplined, reliable, workaholic you—to consistently get to these tasks.
The problem is that they just don’t feel as important as paying the bills, running the miles on your training schedule, or delivering that piece to a client. We efficient doers of The List know that these “soft” items, which often lack clear boundaries, can be squished. Squished into the foggy end of a day, into a brief moment, or into a small corner of our minds even as we carry them out, rendering them all but meaningless.
How much peace do you feel during meditation when it’s the only thing standing between you and that chaotic pile of laundry in the middle of your living room that you’re dying to conquer? How much stillness do you feel on a walk outside when you’re calculating exactly when you’ll need to turn back in order for there to be enough daylight left to mow the lawn? Because these quiet practices don’t have the same immediate pay-offs as external accomplishments, they don’t fare well in competition with the email needing to be sent or the lunches needing to be made for the next day. The stakes for getting to them at all feel low.
At best, you’ll find only limited success in developing your ability to be as long as you are approaching it as something to do.
But this isn’t some Zen paradox. There is indeed a way to hack your To Do list and make it work for your Being benefit. And that’s by substituting feelings for doings.
I can tell you’re skeptical, but just try it for a day. Start with one that isn’t packed with stuff your ego thinks is really important. Pick three feelings you want to “achieve” and make sure two of them are negative. (If I haven’t convinced you by now that feeling all the way through a negative emotion is an achievement, I will take on that task in a future post!). Your first challenge might be to simply come up with three distinct feelings to write down because if you’re anything like me, your default is a swing between two emotions: stress and satisfaction. So here’s a little help to get you started:
Anxious. You’re acquainted, I’m sure. Try carrying Anxious around with you for a while though instead of working madly to shed it and see how it morphs.
Hopeful. Rather than predicting the worst from uncertainty, predict the best. For all you know, it’s just as likely to happen.
Insecure. The vulnerability that tags along when you acknowledge Insecure and invite it to stay a while does amazing things for relationships.
Receptive. Tune in to the things you don’t usually pay attention to and watch the nature of an otherwise routine day change.
Compassionate. Give this to someone who doesn’t “deserve” it, especially yourself.
Excited. About the simple pleasures this very moment offers. And the grand dreams you feel silly speaking.
Bored. Bound to strike terror into the heart of anyone with a smart phone. Feel it and be free.
Invested. Find out that you can make anything meaningful.
Scared. Just a feeling, not an objective conclusion that something is wrong.
Loving. The most nurturing emotion of all. Start with yourself and watch it spread uncontrollably to those around you.
Googling more comprehensive lists of emotions can be a great help too.
The first benefit you get from a To Feel list is a near automatic jump in your awareness of your emotions. You’re beaming the full power of your goal-reaching abilities on them, after all. When achievement suddenly means slowing down long enough to actually feel something, you will find yourself motivated to slow down. In fact, you’ll find yourself valuing experiences that you recently numbed yourself to in the name of that false god, productivity.
The second benefit you’ll get is you will be forced to listen to yourself and identify what you need. What do you need right now to feel peace? You no longer have to meditate according to your list, but now you might want to because it’s the surest way to the emotion you’re aiming to capture. What will make you feel connected to your partner? On a busy day when a date would be forced, maybe a sustained look into his eyes feels right. Journaling becomes less about how many words you put down on a page and more about the thoughts you’re exposing that are blocking you from feeling content. And when anxious is a goal, well, you’re achieving it already by ignoring what needs to be done in favor of what needs to be felt!
Of course, as you plan to feel certain things, you will also begin to feel the unplanned.
That’s great. That’s the end goal. Recognize, accept, honor, pass through, and repeat.