Bridging questions

Being the Three that I am (more on that here), I’m as wary of my really good days as I am of my really bad ones.

Because I know that my extreme highs and lows tend to just be two sides of the same achievement coin. 

When I talk about really good days, I don’t mean the ones filled with the quiet, steady joy I experience when  inhabiting the present moment, finding awareness of my inner self and that which is larger than me, feeling gratitude, and connecting with my loves.

Instead, I’m referring to the rush of happiness—euphoria even—that arises when I think thoughts like, “My colleague said I did a really great job on that project” or ” I got an unbelievable number of things done today” or “My pants are feeling looser” or “A stranger complimented me at the store.” Their negative counterparts are thoughts in which I perceive criticism or indifference from others and incompetence or inefficiency in myself.

All of these thoughts are symptoms of my strongly held belief that my worth is dependent on external validation and competence. I’m wired to value those things and when I’m living unconsciously, my moods reflect that value.

Meanwhile, the flip side of that value is my blind spot: I have a very hard time connecting to myself—my own dreams, desires, and needs, especially when they don’t relate to anything externally observable or rewarding—and having faith in my own capability. So confident self-knowledge is a value I need to consciously develop.

The road from unconscious to conscious values is a long slog, but like all long slogs it’s simply made up of a series of single steps—easy, repetitive actions.

When it comes to shifting thoughts, there is no easier or more effective action than a question. 

But first, you need a reminder to ask yourself that question. This is where negative emotions—which never fail to catch our attention—are very helpful. You feel crappy, you trace that feeling back to the thoughts preceding it, and if you find one that falls under the general category of the value you’re trying to shift, you ask yourself the question.

The simpler you can keep this process, the better. You don’t need a well-analyzed, detailed grasp of your triggering thoughts. For example, any time I find my negative emotions triggered by thoughts that fall under the category of “I’m not good at that,” I follow up with my question, which is also simple: “Do I want to be?”

Don’t let the simplicity fool you.

There is a world of difference between “I’m not good at that.” and “Do I want to be?”

The former implies I should be good at it, that I should be good at everything. Because being good at things is more important than the things themselves.

The latter does two important things:

1) It asks me to get in touch with whether I actually enjoy or benefit from this thing, independent of how good I am at it.

2) It reminds me that if I do in fact care about this thing, I damn well could get good at it—that being good at something is simply the result of a choice to invest time and focus in it.

Blind spot exposed.

So find your question.

The one that will give you the thousands of revolutionary moments you’ll need to unfold yourself into someone who is fully awake.