The other story

We can all agree that kids tattling on each other is one of the most annoying—and least productive—things they can do, right?  I’m more inclined to punish the child tattling than the one being tattled on.

The problem with a tattle is that it’s an inherently unreliable story. My daughter will spare no detail about the my son hitting her (it was here and it really hurt and he wouldn’t stop and now I have a mark and I’m so mad!!), but she leaves out entirely the fact that she had grabbed something from her brother’s hands the moment before. Her story focuses exclusively on her own perspective, and in it she is totally justified as the complaining victim she has become. Her brother needs punishing and she needs sympathy.

But how is this different really from the way we often argue and fight as adults in relationship?

In arguments with those we are close to, we tend to fixate on our own stories, repeating them with ever-growing defensiveness and even ferocity. We assume that our perspective is the truth and that the only problem is that it is not yet fully understood.

In the book Decisive, Chip and Dan Heath describe the best way to get others on board with your perspective:

Point out the benefits in their ideas and the problems with yours.

If you announce a decision at work and someone disagrees, you will get nowhere with them by reiterating all the reasons you made your decision in the first place. But if, instead, you give three more reasons their ideas would be better and a couple additional problems they hadn’t brought up with yours, they will be much more likely to feel good about your decision.

Note that this practice doesn’t mean you change your mind. (The authors recommend ending an exchange like this with something like “Despite all of this, I still think my decision is the best course right now. “) Neither does it mean your critic has changed her mind.

Instead, you’ve demonstrated that you’ve heard her, that you are capable of telling her story, and you can be trusted because you are not blindly following the path of a single perspective.

So now when my kids start tattling, I only let them tell each other’s stories. “What did your sister want? Why was she angry?” or “What was your brother wanting you to do?”

They don’t love it. It’s hard, emotionally difficult work at first. But wow does it change the dynamic. Because they can’t tell each other’s stories without creating some empathy. When I ask them one thing they could each do to compromise after that, the words come quickly and easily. They know what would make the other feel better and why.

So the next time you’re feeling angry at a loved one, notice whose story you’re reciting in your head (or maybe to a friend). Are you tattling or are you empathizing?

When in combat, tell the other side’s story better than they can themselves.

Do this and your own story will be honored.

Your own truth will be given space to breathe.