Challenging beliefs
Once you’ve identified your beliefs (by following your fears, noticing recurring thoughts, or studying your enneagram), the experimenting begins.
Like any good scientist, you first need to gather some data.
Look for evidence of your beliefs in your life.
Though it can be hard to see, our beliefs are the threads that make up the fabric of our lives. We can find evidence for them everywhere: in our professions, our family situations, our hobbies, our homes, our relationships, our strengths, our problems. To get more concrete, let’s take a common core belief and look at all the ways it might manifest in a life.
Belief: I am not enough.
Manifestations:
Seeking validation by people pleasing, obsessing about appearance, overly focusing on external accomplishments ( an inability to say “no,” disordered eating, workaholism, etc.)
Avoiding failure by avoiding risk (not applying for prestigious schools or dream jobs, not taking on hobbies that don’t come naturally, etc.)
Projecting strength by avoiding vulnerability (not being emotionally honest or intimate with partners and friends, not being able to admit mistakes or weaknesses, distracting self from emotions, etc.)
Building self up by judging others (being overly critical about others’ faults, gossiping about them, etc.)
As you can see, that one belief shows up in every aspect of life, from education and career choices to quality of relationships to living situations and leisure activities.
Now take one of your problematic core beliefs and trace it through your life thoroughly enough to be convinced of its power over your actions and choices.
Test your hypotheses.
Our beliefs function like an internal rule book, guiding our behavior. One rule related to the belief above might go
“If I let anyone see my house when it’s messy, they will think less of me.”
Notice the “If/than” structure of that statement? Is it causing any 7th-grade science class flashbacks? If so, that’s because it’s the structure of a hypothesis. We’re basically running around with heads stuffed full of unproven hypotheses. We believe we already have the results, but we’re too afraid to actually do the experiment that are required to reach any objective conclusions.
It may seem that the best course of action would be to intellectually challenge and work on changing limiting beliefs. And it’s true that this may work for some beliefs. Shining the powerful light of consciousness can indeed be a powerful force for change by itself.
However, for those beliefs that are deeply engrained and far-reaching ( core beliefs), it’s not enough to simply see them. It’s not even enough to really want to change them.
Instead, you have to put those hypotheses to rigorous experimentation. That takes courage and a leap of faith and is totally worth it.
Start small.
It’s okay to tip-toe into this. Find a hypothesis where the stakes are low. Where if you are proved right it won’t be a huge loss. With our messy house example, pick a time when your house is just moderately messy and allow someone in who you really trust. Or alternatively someone who you don’t have much of a relationship with at all (the stakes are lower that way if they reject you.)
Be objective (like the scientist you are!)
Don’t insert bias into your experiment by exposing your hypothesis to the test subjects. In other words, don’t profusely apologize about the mess, don’t offer excuses, don’t talk about how ashamed you are or how unrepresentative this is of you. Just be and allow your guest to be and react naturally.
When you test core belief hypotheses, you will be tempted to judge the results by your own emotional reaction. Maybe you find yourself feeling shame and wanting to limit contact with your guest in the future. This is simply another manifestation of your belief and has nothing to do with what actually happened.
Instead, be as descriptive as possible. Think or journal about the person’s reaction—their body language, their words. Don’t mind read. Observe interactions you’ve had since. Are they any different? Is there any actual evidence that they think less of you or have things continued on about the same?
Note any benefits that came of the experiment. Do you feel any closer with this person? Do you feel less pressure to have a perfect house? Do you feel peace in being seen as imperfect and still accepted? Is your friend/acquaintance now more likely to show you their imperfections?
Even if the data seems to confirm your hypothesis, don’t stop there. Instead create a new hypothesis based on the belief embedded in the first one.
“If someone thinks less of me, then I am less valuable.”
Are you? Has anything about you actually changed? Do you value a relationship in which someone expects perfection? Where does the problem really lie?
Enjoy being proven wrong.
At the end of many of all of these experiments—even the ones with the lowest of stakes—I have thought, “Wow! The world didn’t end.” And not only did the world not end, but I have actually received something of great value, something that has been lacking in my life. When I challenged my beliefs about what constituted a good birthday party for my kids, I threw parties that were way more fun for them and much more enjoyable for me. When I challenged my beliefs about how I should respond to injustice, I felt a peace that had evaded me for years. When I challenged my beliefs about leisure, I felt long-stifled creativity flow.
It takes real, solid evidence to begin changing our beliefs. Evidence that we can observe and write down and speak to ourselves when we feel like going back to what is comfortable and known. The more evidence we work to accrue, the braver we become about accruing it. Positive results reinforce each other, making us more convinced all the time that our beliefs are optional and that rewards we can’t even imagine await on the other side.
This is how you come to feel (not just know) the truth: that there is an infinite field of possibilities beckoning you forward into the reality of your choosing.