Following fear
Conventional wisdom tends to give a lot of weight to changing behavior through behavior. For example, one suggestion goes that you can change the behavior of eating unhealthily by adopting the behavior of ridding your house of junk food or by making weekly menus.
There is nothing wrong with this behavioral modification loop; in fact, it’s often very helpful. However, if you’ve ever attempted to schedule, research, or maneuver your way into long-term behavioral change, you’ve likely found yourself back in your usual patterns before too long. And that’s because . . .
Behavior is ultimately a symptom of belief.
For instance, if you believe that junk food represents love, willing yourself to keep it out of the house isn’t going to get you very far. Denying yourself easy access to love whenever you’re feeling down doesn’t make much sense, right? In fact, it could be seen as a sign of deep self-hatred if you were to do so for years on end, no matter how many experts told you it’s what you “should” be doing.
But imagine shifting to the belief that love is instead caring for your body. Then you would have a strong foundation from which you could start to play with behavioral change that would stick. Under this belief, keeping junk food out of the house becomes an effective habit-changing device, but it’s the belief underneath that habit that keeps you solid.
On the surface, it’s a relief to realize that the key to changing behavior isn’t to simply “try harder,” because we’ve all tried hard, then harder, again and again with much the same results.
But there is a reason that “trying harder,” in a bunch of different ways, is the universe that the life-improvement industry inhabits: we know that universe and it’s comfortable, thanks—not to mention the fact that it seems to be the only one available.
Beliefs are transparent.
The universe of our behavior seems to be all that is there because the beliefs that construct our individual realities are, for the most part, transparent. They are the lenses through which we view the world. Occasionally those lenses may get dirty or scratched by circumstances, causing us to pay attention to them for a moment, but for the most part we look through them and out at the world past them, taking for granted that we are seeing things as they really are rather than through a heavy and unique prescription.
To change a belief, we first have to be able to see it. But beliefs are thoughts we’ve thought so many times we have lost track of the fact that they are thoughts at all.
This is where fear comes in.
Our brains are evolutionarily bred to be great at fear. I bet you can list 10 things you’re afraid of in 10 seconds. Go.
See?
Our fears are colored—and usually vibrantly so.
Sit down and make as comprehensive a fear list as you can in 20 minutes. Then organize those fears into whatever categories make most sense. Rank your generalized fear statements by strength (i.e. the size of each category.) You should end up with something like this:
“I’m scared of inefficiency.”
“I’m scared of scarcity.”
“I’m scared of rejection.”
(etc.)
Then add because.
“I’m scared of inefficiency because . . . productivity is the primary way I create value.”
“I’m scared of scarcity because . . . I am not strong enough to handle deprivation.”
“I’m scared of rejection because . . . I’m no good if other people don’t like me.”
And voila! Your beliefs will be staring back at you.
Seeing is (how you see what you are) believing.
The really great thing about seeing beliefs is that you don’t have to change a damn thing about them to start feeling better. Often just knowing that whatever you are feeling or doing is based on a belief that you theoretically could change and that not everyone shares offers instant relief. You catch yourself in an unhealthy pattern and go, “Oh yeah, there is that Productivity = Self-worth belief working itself out.” And as you do this, other paths—other beautiful universes—begin to slowly open up. And over time you find some beliefs start to evolve by themselves simply through the gentle act of your observation.
There will be others, however, that have grown with you since you were young and are strongly rooted to your core. These will have to be challenged through dedicated faith and experimentation. And to be able to do that you will need the willingness to drop your lenses and stand with naked vision as what you once saw clear and concrete swirls around you in a disorienting blur.
But for now, it’s more than enough to just follow your fears to your beliefs.
And watch lasting change unfold from there.